As many people who knows me know, I DO NOT make my dislike for overweight people a secret. It's unhealthy, it's ugly and too many people blame it on things that need not be a catalyst to eat too much junk food and exercise being nowhere near their prospective to-do list. I'm not judgmental as most overweight people I've come across think I am. I am in no way making fun of them and it has never made sense to me why it would hurt your feelings telling you what you look like.. Telling me I've got buckle knees, small boobs and (this is the worst) "only a dog eats bones" is in no way nice to hear but I don't cry about it and I most certainly don't cut my wrists about it! Wanna know why? Because I know it's true, I know being too skinny isn't pretty, I know that people's opinions shouldn't matter so I let it roll over me like water over a duck's back.
YES, I do know I should keep quiet, but if I know you and care for you I want you to be in my life for as long as possible, and adding fat around your heart isn't going to help with this. I KNOW I'm being mean, but being nice didn't work so this is probably my last resort.
But enough about you, let's get back to me...
I come from a family (my dad's side) who have, in my opinion, great genes. We are skinny, good looking (besides our huge noses), smart and talented. (I have made peace with my flaws and accept all the great gifts God has given me, before I get stoned for being vain). But then there's my mother's side who's mostly overweight, not too bright, a bit common and mostly no manners. (Not all of them of course, but most). So this places me in a very awkward see-saw of not gaining weight and gaining weight. I have never been fat!! I have been tall and skinny my entire life, being 1.79 m and weighing in at 55 kg when I was 18, I was envied by many and hated by the rest. I was a very active child and teenager and started working when I was 15. I didn't go out of my way to exercise and ate anything and everything I wanted too. While my friends were dieting for the matric farewell to fit into dresses measured 4 months prior, I had to somehow gain the weight I had somehow lost. Life was great right?? Skinny people never gets criticized!! Right? WRONG!! Fat people does NOT get half the criticism we do, you gain 2 kg, no problem, but I gain 2 kg and parties are thrown cause "the bitch is finally getting what she deserves" and suddenly my fat ass is all the rage.
Since school I've gained about 11 kg's and I've been out of school for almost 5 years now. When people look at me and I tell them this little fun fact they can't believe it because surely I must've looked anorexic. But no I didn't I looked like a normal skinny person, I do agree that I look better with a little more curves. Working in a restaurant, though, is very bad for your thighs, ass, love handles and your talking belly fat. I started to go to the gym so that I won't look like my mother and her family...
I am very health conscious and I take my appearance seriously. You won't find me in town with pajamas and dirty hair. When I'm out and about chances are I've done my makeup and straightened my hair. I have atleast 8 mirror checks before leaving the house and if I'm not 100% happy, I change. And I don't do this because I want or need anyone's approval, I do it cause if I don't feel good about the way I look, you do not want to be near me. I do it because I know how I look at people that just doesn't give a damn. I do it because I don't want to be THAT girl who crawls out of bed and goes somewhere and then judge everyone who decided to up their game that day because you are jealous and a slob.
I have used very unhealthy ways to lose weight and I'm not proud to say this but it still made me feel good. I loved being able not to eat for days and seeing my bones stick out. Then I read a book about anorexia and a lot of things fell into place for me. Anorexia isn't as easy to get rid of as being fat. It's a state of being. And you don't have to be skin and bones to have the disease. It's more about the thoughts you have when looking at yourself, when eating, when trying on new clothes, when every day life becomes disrupted because you hate the way your weight makes you feel. You can weigh 90 kg and still have an anorexic mindset. For the last 8 months I've been stopping these thoughts deliberately and trying to focus om being healthy and fit instead of skinny. I still take tremendous care to not gain any weight and since I forced myself to be healthy I am happier, have more energy and I accept myself more than when I lost 7 kg in a month and a half cause my mother told me I've gotten curves. (In my head she said I almost look like her from all the weight I gained) See your words hurt us and as I don't do anything moderately I go to extreme lengths to make myself feel "better".I happen to love salads and I don't really like oily foods anymore so it's relatively easy for me to keep my weight in check, but I get my off days where wearing something I looked great in last week just doesn't seem to look right will drive me to tears or put me in a horrible mood. So you grabbing at my love handles (which are not that big) don't feel surprised when I stab you in the neck with the first object I can find.
Guys and girls, I know a lot of you can relate, I know it's a tough world out there. I know that living with this constant war inside yourself when putting anything in your mouth can drive you insane and leave you with a lot of resentment for yourself. But stop hurting your body because your mind is unstable. Be honest with yourself and work on the "inner-you". Fix the problem from the inside out.
It's not easy being you when you hate yourself and in my little time on earth I had to learn this the hard way and have scars to prove it.
Stay gorgeous and positive!
